I dreamed a little.  

I dreamed a little when I was finishing high school, I wanted to become an art teacher…I was never any good at “art” I could not draw, I did not have any artist talents…also it takes a bit of money to put yourself through Uni, so I got a job…I worked, I travelled a little, I got married and I had kids…but it took sadness, illness and loss to find myself back to my dream and to realise you do not have to be able draw, or paint or even design, to create beautiful works of art. I am loving my new direction in life, yes the journey was bumpy, and no amount of pinnys are going to fill my broken heart of losing Sam, but I am trying! They do get me up each day, they make my heart sing…I am the happiest sad person around xx

  

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Shaving for a cure!

Sharing my brave boy ❤
Hi my name is Tommy.

When I was 5 my big brother Samuel was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, bone cancer. He was almost 8 years old. He and my Mum spent the next year in and out of hospital. I missed playing with him and I missed him and my Mum. He was so sick all the time, he lost his hair and could not play as much as before, because of the chemo and then surgeries. But unfortunately the treatment did not work and he passed away, just before his ninth birthday. I miss him so much.

Now I am the same age as Samuel when he died. And I want to do something to help. Please help me raise much needed funds to help other families and children like Samuel.

http://my.leukaemiafoundation.org.au/tommypardoematthews

  

The day our lives changed.

Four years today, we found that horrible tumour in Samuel leg. D-day as other oncology parents refer to it. Sam’s osteosarcoma was not diagnosed for another week or so, they had to run all those horrible tests first. But this was the day that our lives changed forever. An xray at the Gold coast hospital showed up, not the broken leg, which would have healed but a huge dark shadow to cover our world. We were lucky that night, to be able to go home, shocked and dazed, but together, to slowly pack for our trip to the RCH Brisbane the next day. Most stories I here from other families are more the emergency helicopter trip to the hospital or the waking in the middle of the night to be taken to the hospital, ripped from their lives with nothing but the clothes on their backs. We were able to plan a little, for the trip that would change our lives, we had time to pack for the unknown and most important we were able to bring puppy 💕

  

School is back for some.

My youngest boy started year 5 today, so exciting for him, he is growing up so fast, too fast!! My eldest boy starts year 9 on Friday, so still a couple more holiday days for him. And then there is my angel boy, Sam, he would have been starting high school today, with all his friends, being excited about his next stage in life but nervous as well…but sadly that was not meant to be. Mixed feeling will always be felt this time of year, sadness and loss, but then excitement for my other boys. Sending love to those who share these mixed feeling at this time of year and sending love to those little ones who are missing their first day back at school with friends and are instead fighting for their lives ❤ Also sending love to all the Mum’s and Dad’s who long for this day each year but with the feelings of loss as well, as each year our babies grow more independent and find their own way in this big scary world. Enjoy a nice cup of tea this morning and take some time out for your selves xx

Painful bond.

Oh what a delight to wake this morning to this gorgeous photo! Not only to see one of my earlier pinnys but to see this precious one. Her eldest brother and my Samuel shared rooms while going through treatment at the RCH. Cooper was a delight, not yet 2 but so full of life and had the brightest smile on the ward. I was so happy to share a room with him and his mum Debbie, Sam wasn’t! Such a grumpy 8 year old he could be, why did he have to share with a baby! Oh he was a funny kid! Sadly they both passed away within months of each other…. Debbie and I share a bond I wish apon no other, to not only go through such a painful time with your child, cancer is so cruel, but to also lose your child to cancer. Thank you so much Deb for making my morning brighter xxx
  

Holiday time!

Well that’s it lovelies! It’s holiday time for me! A huge thank you to you all that have purchased off me this year, followed my journey and supported me. You are the reason I get up each day, oh yes and my family, but seriously I truly do not know how I would have coped these last few years without my creative output. Losing a child is hard, losing a child to cancer is the hardest….there are no words to express my feelings of grief, they change each day, each minute. But I do know how to cope with my grief, I know what is best for me, what puts the smile back on my face, even when there is darkness in my heart….sewing, creating, crocheting, fabric hunting, seeing your little ones in my creations! Thank all for the inspiration and the encouragement, I learn new things each day and look forward to new adventures with my sewing. I never really sewed before dream a little, so I am so proud of how far I have come. I hope you can stick around for the next chapter! I don’t have big plans or exciting new lines to announce, at the moment I hope to continue with more pinnys, but I am always thinking….its just getting those thoughts out! You are all very special to me, please be safe in this busy time, take care and enjoy every moment. I will be back from my holiday on the 22nd. Sewing will continue in between family and the holiday time, it is my healthy addiction! Sending love to you all, and leaving you now with a little sneak of some friends that may pop up when I return 💕
  

Flash back!

Let’s flash back 20 years! Me living in a kombi travelling Australia, no grief, no Rheumatoid, no kids….no idea! Sure life was a lot easier, carefree, fun, but I was lost. I was wondering around, bumping into people and places not really knowing what I was meant to do. And I think that is what you are meant to do in your 20’s, look for your people, find your space. Do I ever wish for that life again….Nooooo! I am quite happy where I am now, life may have thrown a few mountains at me for me to climb but I got over them, and I now have a few more quirks! But I am happy! My creative husband who annoys me so much, but I love dearly, three gorgeous boys, all with their different personalities, yes one is an angel, my beautiful mum who I grow closer to each day and love so much, so many other caring family members and then my amazing friends, both near and far, the support and love, guidance and understanding I get from these women, I am so lucky to have them in my life. Each stage of life is a mystery waiting for us to solve, enjoy it!
  

Nothing compares to childhood cancer.

Everyday Samuel’s fingerprint hangs along side my heart. My most precious keepsake of my boy taken too soon. His little fingerprint keeps me strong, whenever I feel sad, nervous or lonely, I just need to place my finger gently inside his and I instantly feel stronger. I can get through anything knowing how brave my little guy was, nothing compares to childhood cancer!
  

Halloween memories.

Halloween! Is here again, this time of year just flies by! We as a family never really got into this tradition, knocking on strangers doors asking for sweets did not really appeal! But for one of my little boys the excitement of Halloween, so many lollies and dressing up creepy sounded fantastic. Samuel was a little boy who loved adventure and excitement, so for once we celebrated Halloween, it was the October before he left. Even did a pumpkin up to put in his room. We are lucky to have great friends, especially one who is from Canada and loves Halloween, so we joined in with all the kids and they had organised their street to be involved! Sam and Tommy dressed up and even though he was bound to a wheelchair Sam enjoyed visiting all the houses with the kids. He was to sick back then to eat any of the candy but that did not stop him from having fun! Every holiday is hard, memories of my cheeky boy come flooding back, but I have to push through my feeling of loss and remember his love of life and his spark for adventure and smile X
  

Mixed emotions of Christmas.

This time of year always seems to go in fast forward. With the silly season approaching, I am filled with mixed feelings! I was a child once and now I have children of my own and the memories of the excitement over spending time with family and Christmas Day is still in me, but sadly the sadness of Christmas is all too real and grows stronger. Firstly there is Samuel, his last Christmas with us was an emotional rollercoaster of tests, to see if the cancer had returned and then two days after Christmas we were told it had and that he only had two months to live…:( Second is the over spending, over eating, over commercialised, side of Christmas, hence the “silly season” I was never one to give gifts and never really wanted them, as ungrateful as it sounds, but I never understood the idea of giving something just for the sake of it, or just in case they gave you something, I would rather give a handful of herbs from my garden or a bag of lemons! Then sadly there is the emotional side, with so many blended families, how do we all do the right thing! It is such a stressful time of year, which leads to depression and suicide, just because of one day! It is either the stress over money or family, it can make you feel that you can never do the right thing. Don’t get me wrong, Christmas can be a wonderful time, we now just spend it at home with just us, small and simple, only because this makes us happy, and that is so important, that is want we have learnt. So sorry for the sad sack post, it is just how I feel, how are you approaching Christmas this year, simply with handmade gifts with your close family or a Christmas with all the trimmings, either way is great as long as it makes you happy, sit back and think about you this Christmas, because when you are happy those around you will be too X