I have been blessed with three boys…

I have been blessed with three boys…this is James, my eldest. He is 14 going on 40, well he has always been 40, he is one of those kids who is way too grown up before his time and was never really a child, he is a quirky young man, interested in computers, and like most his age spends too much time on one, but he loves using his hands, building and tinkering in his shed, and loves to look after our garden, this photo was taken after spending the morning in the garden, after purchasing a new brush cutter, our old one died after 13 years of intense work. He is the most helpful person around our house, out of all of us!!I am so proud of him and love him so…teenage years are hard, so many decisions, so many ideas and possibilities…but you are trapped in a body that grows too quickly and mind that can’t settle…💕

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I dreamed a little.  

I dreamed a little when I was finishing high school, I wanted to become an art teacher…I was never any good at “art” I could not draw, I did not have any artist talents…also it takes a bit of money to put yourself through Uni, so I got a job…I worked, I travelled a little, I got married and I had kids…but it took sadness, illness and loss to find myself back to my dream and to realise you do not have to be able draw, or paint or even design, to create beautiful works of art. I am loving my new direction in life, yes the journey was bumpy, and no amount of pinnys are going to fill my broken heart of losing Sam, but I am trying! They do get me up each day, they make my heart sing…I am the happiest sad person around xx

  

Shaving for a cure!

Sharing my brave boy ❤
Hi my name is Tommy.

When I was 5 my big brother Samuel was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, bone cancer. He was almost 8 years old. He and my Mum spent the next year in and out of hospital. I missed playing with him and I missed him and my Mum. He was so sick all the time, he lost his hair and could not play as much as before, because of the chemo and then surgeries. But unfortunately the treatment did not work and he passed away, just before his ninth birthday. I miss him so much.

Now I am the same age as Samuel when he died. And I want to do something to help. Please help me raise much needed funds to help other families and children like Samuel.

http://my.leukaemiafoundation.org.au/tommypardoematthews

  

Painful bond.

Oh what a delight to wake this morning to this gorgeous photo! Not only to see one of my earlier pinnys but to see this precious one. Her eldest brother and my Samuel shared rooms while going through treatment at the RCH. Cooper was a delight, not yet 2 but so full of life and had the brightest smile on the ward. I was so happy to share a room with him and his mum Debbie, Sam wasn’t! Such a grumpy 8 year old he could be, why did he have to share with a baby! Oh he was a funny kid! Sadly they both passed away within months of each other…. Debbie and I share a bond I wish apon no other, to not only go through such a painful time with your child, cancer is so cruel, but to also lose your child to cancer. Thank you so much Deb for making my morning brighter xxx
  

Holiday time!

Well that’s it lovelies! It’s holiday time for me! A huge thank you to you all that have purchased off me this year, followed my journey and supported me. You are the reason I get up each day, oh yes and my family, but seriously I truly do not know how I would have coped these last few years without my creative output. Losing a child is hard, losing a child to cancer is the hardest….there are no words to express my feelings of grief, they change each day, each minute. But I do know how to cope with my grief, I know what is best for me, what puts the smile back on my face, even when there is darkness in my heart….sewing, creating, crocheting, fabric hunting, seeing your little ones in my creations! Thank all for the inspiration and the encouragement, I learn new things each day and look forward to new adventures with my sewing. I never really sewed before dream a little, so I am so proud of how far I have come. I hope you can stick around for the next chapter! I don’t have big plans or exciting new lines to announce, at the moment I hope to continue with more pinnys, but I am always thinking….its just getting those thoughts out! You are all very special to me, please be safe in this busy time, take care and enjoy every moment. I will be back from my holiday on the 22nd. Sewing will continue in between family and the holiday time, it is my healthy addiction! Sending love to you all, and leaving you now with a little sneak of some friends that may pop up when I return 💕
  

Flash back!

Let’s flash back 20 years! Me living in a kombi travelling Australia, no grief, no Rheumatoid, no kids….no idea! Sure life was a lot easier, carefree, fun, but I was lost. I was wondering around, bumping into people and places not really knowing what I was meant to do. And I think that is what you are meant to do in your 20’s, look for your people, find your space. Do I ever wish for that life again….Nooooo! I am quite happy where I am now, life may have thrown a few mountains at me for me to climb but I got over them, and I now have a few more quirks! But I am happy! My creative husband who annoys me so much, but I love dearly, three gorgeous boys, all with their different personalities, yes one is an angel, my beautiful mum who I grow closer to each day and love so much, so many other caring family members and then my amazing friends, both near and far, the support and love, guidance and understanding I get from these women, I am so lucky to have them in my life. Each stage of life is a mystery waiting for us to solve, enjoy it!
  

Nothing compares to childhood cancer.

Everyday Samuel’s fingerprint hangs along side my heart. My most precious keepsake of my boy taken too soon. His little fingerprint keeps me strong, whenever I feel sad, nervous or lonely, I just need to place my finger gently inside his and I instantly feel stronger. I can get through anything knowing how brave my little guy was, nothing compares to childhood cancer!
  

Mixed emotions of Christmas.

This time of year always seems to go in fast forward. With the silly season approaching, I am filled with mixed feelings! I was a child once and now I have children of my own and the memories of the excitement over spending time with family and Christmas Day is still in me, but sadly the sadness of Christmas is all too real and grows stronger. Firstly there is Samuel, his last Christmas with us was an emotional rollercoaster of tests, to see if the cancer had returned and then two days after Christmas we were told it had and that he only had two months to live…:( Second is the over spending, over eating, over commercialised, side of Christmas, hence the “silly season” I was never one to give gifts and never really wanted them, as ungrateful as it sounds, but I never understood the idea of giving something just for the sake of it, or just in case they gave you something, I would rather give a handful of herbs from my garden or a bag of lemons! Then sadly there is the emotional side, with so many blended families, how do we all do the right thing! It is such a stressful time of year, which leads to depression and suicide, just because of one day! It is either the stress over money or family, it can make you feel that you can never do the right thing. Don’t get me wrong, Christmas can be a wonderful time, we now just spend it at home with just us, small and simple, only because this makes us happy, and that is so important, that is want we have learnt. So sorry for the sad sack post, it is just how I feel, how are you approaching Christmas this year, simply with handmade gifts with your close family or a Christmas with all the trimmings, either way is great as long as it makes you happy, sit back and think about you this Christmas, because when you are happy those around you will be too X
  

Mad times!

Mad times! When the boys we little and life was so crazy and filled with questions, washing, tight hugs, kindy, lunches, school things, hats, shoes, dirt, dishes, sticky hands, funny kisses, hair cuts, toys and fun! These three were my world, I was a full time stay at home mum, I still am and they still are. And when looking at this photo I grieve, not only for Sam, my middle boy taken to soon by cancer but for these other two little guys. I guess all parents grieve for a time gone by, of little people sitting on your lap of all that demanding attention they deserve. I have mentioned this before, but it just grabs me when I see my boys so happy playing together. James is now a teenager and I am not the only girl in his life! Each stage in their lives is wonderful and I love how amazing my kids are now, with all they have been through. But I do miss the crazy times, don’t get me wrong, loving the now time, but look at those three and their happy faces! Three boys!
  

Special recipes x

Yesterday afternoon I made chocolate hedgehog, my Nanna’s recipe. I am lucky to get this small slice now, it is almost all gone! Hedgehog was one of my favourite treats growing up. Nanna would always have some when we came to visit, or if not we would made some together. Crushing up the biscuits with a rolling pin on newspaper is one of those memories that will always stay with me. I use the food processor now, and I feel that I am cheating! I don’t make it that much, it is such treat, full of butter and sugar! But one of the reasons I don’t is that my mum now makes it every time we come down to stay. And my boys love Gran’s hedgehog! I love that, I love that the same feelings and memories are forming in my kids, the same I felt each time I visited my Nanna xx Do you have a special recipe that brings back memories?